How to be a model patient in 26 easy steps at Satyre Medical Practice

Satyre Medical Practice guidance for patients.

Dear patient.

Welcome to our practice. The following are some suggestions of how to make things most pleasant for our staff.

  1. You may book an appointment at any time. It doesn’t matter if we have already offered you three appointments today, as they are not at the exact moment you are free between work, watching the Jeremy Kyle show or when the sofa delivery team are coming. We will find some other time to see you, even if it means seeing you after we are shut. As our staff do not have lives of their own.
  2. Also remember your scheduled appointment time is just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it and do as you please. We will be happy to see you when you turn up. We are sure other patients understand how important your time is over theirs and we like chaos.
  3. If you are not going to show up, please do not call. We like the suspense of trying to figure out what you are going to do. Sometimes we run bets on it. So as you can see, calling and informing us of your intentions would just take the fun out of our day.
  4.  Verbal abuse is always appreciated. If possible, wait till the waiting room is full. Please be creative in your profanity, we all like to expand our vocabulary. Do not worry about the children present. They see and hear worse on TV.
  5. Do not mind your child. Just let them loose as soon as you walk in. The staff enjoys a little pandemonium.
  6. Bring as many small children as possible. Three or more is preferred. If you don’t have that many borrow from your neighbours (look for the most poorly behaved). Make sure they all have juice and crayons because we love to clean. Also, we encourage them to jump on the furniture, jump on the scales and make sure they touch and drop all our expensive medical equipment. We won’t charge you if they break (honest).
  7. Do not bring any prior records such as prescription or allergy information when you change practice. We always know which medication you mean when you say ‘the white one’ and we like to be daring if you have an allergy.
  8. We’re just kidding when we suggest that you bring stool or urine. That’s gross. We’ll just get it from the sewer system after you go.
  9. Please feel free to stay on your mobile phone. Bluetooth headsets are preferred because it really makes it challenging to figure out if you are talking to us or the person on the phone. Make sure to call back later and ask us questions about all the things we were trying to explain.
  10. When giving information about symptoms be as vague as possible, ie when asked ‘how long has this effected you for?’ the best answer is ‘a while’. The doctor is psychic and can read your mind, so it’s really just a formality anyway.
  11. Please be sure to let us know of all illnesses you  THINK you may have because you looked it up online. Then be sure to dictate to us how you should be cared for.
  12. Unless if you need to insist we follow your relative/friend/Netmum poster’s recommendations. Especially about medications and vaccines. Our decades of education and training really doesn’t teach us much, so we appreciate the guidance.
  13. We will also rely on the national media for medical guidance. Excellent publications like the Daily Fail are reliable sources for guiding what treatments are best, rather than years of medical studies and training. We will prescribe antibiotics for everything .Viral illness – antibiotics.
    • Back pain – antibiotics.
    • Going bald – antibiotics. Side effects from antibiotics like resistance or diarrhoea or vomiting – yes that is right, more antibiotics.
    • It doesn’t matter that they only work for bacterial infections, you want them, you can have them.
  14. If you do not want antibiotics, we will prescribe you anything you ask for. From controlled drugs like morphine, sleeping tablets, or medications with no evidence base, as recommended by anyone that is not willing to prescribe you themselves. We do not mind risking our medical licence to practice on this basis and accept full responsibility if it causes you harm so you can then also sue us. It is only your health and our livelihood at risk.
  15. Take medications as you see fit. We just put instruction labels on them because the label printer is cool. We understand that when the condition doesn’t resolve it is our fault not yours.
  16. Ignore the ‘staff only’ signs. Just wander around as you please. Open any consultation door and just barge in if you feel. If your child is wandering around, we insist you direct them to play in the ‘staff only’ dirty sluice room. They won’t be at risk from much in there, we think.
  17. If you request a visit we will try and accommodate you. We are aware how challenging it can be to come see a professional at a practice. I mean if the plumber can visit for your convenience then why can’t the doctor. Even if you did just get back from the hairdressers and stub your toe on the way back. Our doctors do not mind visiting one patient at home rather than seeing often three patients at the practice.
  18. If your child is sick please wait a minimum of three hours before having him/her seen. Also, be sure not to try any treatments available over the counter or at a pharmacy before demanding an appointment . Oh, and ten minutes before close on a Friday afternoon is the perfect time to call and tell us you’re coming in.
  19. Do not bother to update your contact details. Particularly if you have just had a test or a referral done. We will be notified by the storks that deliver babies on how best to contact you, in case we have results that need your attention or the hospital sends you a date for your investigation /outpatient appointment.
  20. Always complain about the wait. We  sometimes run behind. In general, we tend to be be posting on Facebook, playing golf or booking holidays instead of trying to help other patients or save lives.
  21. If you need a certificate or letter for something that is not part of NHS care we may have to charge you for this. We are aware often doing such work reduces the time we can spend offering care. Feel free to argue about and/or disregard these charges. It is not like we have professional staff that need paying. They enjoy working at a loss for your benefit.
  22. Also these forms are often just signatures so our staff are happy to sign anything for your benefit instantly. Even if it is a form so you may run a 42 mile marathon a week after your triple heart bypass operation. It is only your health and the doctor’s medical licence at risk again.
  23. Finally we will offer care for any issue you may have. Even if it is not medical such as acting as a referee between you and your partner, sorting out your social care issues, doing leg work for your employer so they do not have to pay for it, or chasing information that should have been given to you by someone else. It’s not like we are busy.
  24. However one thing we must be clear we do not deal with. Any dental issues need seeing by a dentist. We are a medical practice after all. Although we may give you antibiotics. Why not, it couldn’t hurt could it?
  25. If despite this you feel you need to complain, we will be happy to help you with this.

You may complain to one/any/all of these 12 options:

  • The practice, either in writing, by shouting at our staff or posting on social media as we have no issues with libel.
  • The local clinical commissioning group
  • Healthwatch
  • NHS England
  • NHS Improvement
  • The General Medical Council (GMC)
  • Care Quality Commission (CQC)
  • Ombudsman
  • Your local MP
  • The local newspaper
  • The national papers who love to vilify the healthcare system as it is free to access.
  • Any ambulance chasing lawyer you may find.

We have no difficulty dealing with each complaint and do not begrudge the time it prevents us caring for our patients that may need medical help, as your satisfaction is more important than anything – even good quality evidence based medical care.
We look forward to caring for you. If you have any suggestions about what we can do to make life easier for you and more difficult for us, please do not hesitate to let us know.


adapted from :


Hussain Gandhi
GP, tech enhancer, Timelord Istari
p: 0115 9999999
w:  e: [email protected]

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