Satyre Medical Practice is happy to announce, that after months of painstaking research, redesign, (and frankly, plagiarism), that we have finally developed the software kit that is going to be acknowledged as the saviour of UK General Practice.

The culmination of many years of pioneering study in the field of ArtificialStupidity™ has led us to patent an I.T. platform that shall be known simply as BabbleOn™.

We are hoping that a catchy brand name will, in fact, become a recognised household verb within primary care (rather like ‘Hoover’, and ‘Google’ have managed), and that in years to come we will discuss different ways in which our patients like to BabbleOn™.

The only slight snag is that patients will only be able to BabbleOn™ to an online doctor, rather than one who is in the room with them. This obviously limits what can be achieved while you BabbleOn™ with your online doctor.

The other slight potential cloud on the horizon is that it is more than likely that the patient will have to BabbleOn™ to a doctor who doesn’t have the benefit of their patient record to see what underlying conditions they may have, or what medication they may be currently taking.

This means that we really shouldn’t allow anyone to BabbleOn™ if they have certain pre-existing conditions.

For instance, it wouldn’t be safe to BabbleOn™ if you were pregnant, had a long-term condition, were on medications, were frail or elderly, had significant mental health problems, were acutely unwell and in need of urgent care, or were in any other way at risk of being what we might term ‘ill’.

But aside from that problemette, we feel that BabbleOn™ is ready to equip the 21st Century GP with a fantastic new tool to cherry-pick….sorry, to deal with the ever-mounting challenges presented by modern primary care.

The BabbleOn™ algorithm is bullet-proof and has been demonstrated time and time again to be utterly safe, consisting as it does of a flowchart which ends (in every case) with ‘if you still think you’re poorly, why not go and see an actual GP’.

We are ready to launch any time now, and we got the billboards and TV advert campaign all ready to roll.

We even found a singer-songwriter who has come up with a catchy song to front the campaign.

Does anyone remember David Gray?

 

Written by Dr Thomas Jones

 

GP near Manchester.
@tommacjones

 

The events depicted in this blog are fictitious. Any similarity to any person, organisation or entity living or dead is merely coincidental.